"Ordinary life does not interest me. I seek only the high moments. I am in accord with the surrealists, searching for the marvelous." ~Anais Nin

28 December 2016

Post panicked pity party plans (with some added panicking and more self pity!)

Blah.  Yesterday was bad.  Not as bad as the day before when I was sick and had to call into work, but it was still bad.  Everything I said was true, but I annoy myself by giving in to the trapped, helpless, and hopeless feelings that haunt me.  I've been doing nothing but reacting far too long, and have a desperate need to take some kind of action.  I know my problems, so do you, and the next step is what to do about them.  How do I fix things?

Getting a job is a big, big part of that.  At this point, though, I'm not super confident in my chances of that going my way.  I'll keep applying, and applying, and applying, but I can't shake the feeling that if it hasn't gone anywhere yet, it will probably continue that way, you know?  It's not like I'm looking for much.  Full time work, $35K/year, medical insurance, semi-decent hours, not a horribly abusive atmosphere.  And it's all negotiable.  But I need to be able to support myself.

Over the past several years, I've come to grips with the very likely possibility that I will never be able to pay off my student loans.  That's sad, unfortunate, but also something I can't escape.  Still, all this education of mine should translate into some kind of marketable skill, and from there into a way to make a living.  Even if it's a modest one.

Still, I should be able to get a job in an office somewhere.  I have all the pertinent computer skills, plus an education emphasizing organization, collaboration, collegiality, research, database design and maintenance, et cetera, et cetera.

So, what am I to do?

Thing is, I don't know.  I really don't.  Retail, food services?  Less pay, more hours, more stress, and I'd barely make more a year than I do now.  I don't want to do it.  I don't want to settle.  Not for something that will pay me $20K/year, not give me benefits, and give me worse hours.  Not for something that doesn't pay enough to cover my debts and move out of my parent's place.  I did that already.  I paid my dues there.  I deserve more.

I hate feeling like my education was a mistake.  I hate it.  I was so proud of myself for finishing my degrees.  I hate this desperation.  I hate that sometimes I think that it's good that I don't have a family of my own, children to support, because I couldn't if I did.  I hate that I don't like myself.  I hate that I feel so cut off, so alone.

Things were meant to be different.  By now I was supposed to have a career, a husband, a child or children.  I was supposed to be a grown up, to be able to take care of myself, to be content if not happy.  I wasn't supposed to be afraid all the time.

How do I change this?  How do I change me?  My circumstances?

I'm going to start by cleansing myself, and releasing all my negative thoughts as they come.  I'm going to start by meditating daily, and picking back up my exercise routines.  I'm not going to shame myself for not being able to do what I once could, be what I once was.  I'm just going to work on becoming who I want to be.

I've just got to figure out who that is.

Maybe once I do, and once I get there, everything else will fall in place.

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