First off, I want to say thank you to all my friends and family for your support in the wake of last weeks post. I'm so very glad that I have people who care about me in my life, however peripheral. That said, please, please stop sending me suicide prevention hotline numbers. I assure you that I'm not suicidal. I'm just massively unhappy with the path my life is currently on. That doesn't mean I want to die.
My mother, she with a psychology degree, says that depression is just anger turned inwards. I get that. It makes sense to me. Since I fluctuate between raging at the world and at myself, it makes sense to me. It's just that I don't know how to fix this: my life. I don't know how to find success and happiness. I can't seem to do anything but fail, and it makes me bitter. How do you get a job? Or even a job interview? I'm closing in on 700 resumes sent or applications filled and have only gotten two interviews. I try, but no one is interested in giving me a chance.
I've applied for jobs that I'm perfectly qualified for - jobs that seemed like they were made just for me - and nothing. I've applied for jobs that I'm overqualified for, and nothing. I've applied for jobs that I'm under-qualified, and, of course, nothing. There are only so many ways I can change my resume. So many times it can be rewritten. I keep trying and I keep failing. Again and again and again and again. I don't know what to do. I don't know what else to do. Is there something in me that's lacking? Something other people can see, but I can't?
What do I have to do to get a full time job?
I'm not sure that I believe that it will ever happen. And then what do I have? Nothing. Useless degrees and many thousands of dollars of student debt. I can't afford a life.
I'm so ready for this summer to be over. Autumn needs to come and bring with it crisp air and cool rains to wash away the mess the summer has left in it's wake.
I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I need some kind of plan, some structure. I thought the library would give that to me. I could make my career, find my place . . . The truth is, I've been questioning that assumption all along. For all that I would be a fantastic librarian, for all that I spent tens of thousands of dollars getting a degree that would allow me to move up in the field (provided anyone gave me a chance to get out there), for all that I've invested my time and energy and spent my spirit, I've questioned . . . From the beginning I've questioned if this was the right path for me.
I want it to be. I would love to work in a library in a librarian position, as a professional, as an integral part of my community. And I love libraries, I do, but I don't fit. I don't know why, but I don't. I wish I did. It would be so much easier, but when, of late, has anything been easy?
The thing is: what else can I do? What. Else. Can. I. Do? What else can I do?
That's the crux of my problem: I don't know. I don't know what to do. I don't know what else I can do? I just know I can't stay here. Stagnant. I've got to move forward with my life, and I don't know how. I need to find a job, and I don't know how.
I suppose I'll have to figure it out, because I can't stay here. I can't.
It should be an interesting journey.