And the thing is, I really, really want to work in a library. Specifically a public library. If I get a full time job outside the library I'll never have a chance to go back. Not without starting completely over: first, as a volunteer; then, a part time employee. And I don't think I'll ever be able to afford that.
Not unless I get married and my husband can support me, and that's probably never going to happen. Truth? I don't think I'll ever get married. I may never date or have sex again, let alone make a lifetime romantic connection.
I have to be able to support myself, especially because I expect to forever be alone.
And that's okay. I can be alone. I can't say that I'll enjoy it always or even be 100 percent happy, but I'll be content. It's better than being miserable because of another person. Except, I worry that I'll never be able to support myself.
And I'm worth so much more than my current jobs. I should be able to support myself.
I feel like I've given up so much already. I'm beginning to accept that I'll never find love. I'll never have a partner in life or children, and that's beginning to be okay with me. Sad, but okay. I don't need that, not really. I can find other things to do with my time. And that's huge, don't you think? I don't want to give up the library. I don't want to give up on being a librarian. It's too much. It's everything.
But something's got to give. And being a librarian is the last thing I have. If something doesn't come up on that front soon, then I'll have to give up that dream as well.
And then what? Then, what?
I don't know. I don't know what else there is for me out there. I'll be traveling blind and ignorant. I don't like that thought, but I'll soon have no other choice.
I think I'm going to give it through the end of the year. That's, to my mind, pushing it, but I really want this to work out for me. After the year's end, if I still don't have a job . . . I don't know. I guess we'll see. But that will be when my final dream dies.