It was just . . . weighing me down. I'd look at it and see the pages and pages of entries, and get so angry and sad. I'd ask, "What more can I do? What am I doing wrong here?" There were so, so many jobs listed. Some I was, admittedly, under-qualified for and those didn't bother me so much, but the others . . . There were many, many jobs for which I was over-qualified on that list - way more than the ones for which I was under-qualified. Then there were those jobs that seemed to be perfectly tailored for my skills and experience, and those too gave me nothing.
There were so, so many jobs and statistically none of them even gave me a chance. Four interviews out of nearly 1000 applications filled or resumes sent. Four. It was - and is - crazy-disheartening. But no more! For now that database doesn't exist.
I feel as though a huge burden was lifted from me.
Of course, I also feel a bit panicky too. I suppose I'm going to have to start again from scratch soon. But not now. Now, it's been deleted and I am . . . free.
For the moment anyway.
I'm going to try to declutter my life. This, my great purging of posts, is part of it. My plans, however, go far past cyberspace. My goal is to, before winter sets in, clean the shit out of my physical world as well. I'm dreading going through my books, but it needs to be done. Truth? It needed to be done 10 years ago. Everything needs to be weeded, and I need to be ruthless about it. That's the only way I can think to allow myself to bloom and blossom. I have everything picked out. The color of my bedroom, new furniture, window dressings, even what I'll grow in my window box (if I'm allowed to have one). I know what art I want on the walls, and where it will go. I know what sheets I want on my bed. I know what car I want to buy to replace my current one.
Most of my plans for my physical space will have to wait. We're getting new siding put on the house, and that will affect the inside walls. Patching and painting will have to be done after. Getting rid of the stuff, though, that can be done now. Since most of my stuff is books, well, that means I'll have to go through them all, decide on what to keep, throw away, or sell. Then following through. Difficult, difficult. But needs be.
Hopefully, once I get my space done I can start working on the rest of me.
No more living provisionally, though. No more I can't do this until that gets done. I want to move forward, which means, you know, actually moving.
Wish me luck. The good kind of course.
Oh. I almost forgot. I applied for two new jobs today. Office librarianship. Could be interesting. I'm worried that I won't be able to do fun things with my hair like I want - conservative workplace and all that - but it's not like I can do those fun things now. I hope I get it so I don't have to worry anymore about money and can focus on progressing through my career, but we'll see.
I guess I need double the luck.