2016 Retrospective

Burn it to the ground. Photo by Fir0002 [GFDL or CC-BY-SA-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Gods!  This has been a shitty year.

Let's not even go into the deaths of so many beloved celebrities, or those caused by the abuses of authority, or even those that were out and out hate crimes.  Let's not talk about the abomination that is the incoming presidential administration, or the horrors that are sure to follow it, or the fact that those fuckwads are only one state–ONE STATE–away from having a constitutional majority and therefore being able to create or repeal constitutional amendments at will.  Let's not talk about all the fact that we're facing the next great extinction level event, and conservative estimates think that 85% of all known species on this earth are expected to be extinct within the next 20 years unless we, human beings, drastically change the way we live.  Let's not talk about the hate and the fear, the violence and threats of violence.  Let's not talk about the global, political, or social ramifications etc, etc.  

Let's just talk about me.

I'm more unhappy than I've ever been.  I'm sick and afraid.  I hate my life, my job, my lack of options.  I'm poorer than I've ever been, and I feel it.  I don't know how I'm going to be able to continue, because this is not sustainable.  My life is not sustainable.  Not as it is.

Now, I feel I have to put a little addendum here to emphasized to those in my family who read this and are worried: This is not a suicide note.  This is not a suicide threat.  I have no suicidal ideation.  I don't care what it sounds like, I don't want to die.  Just because I am depressed, and my life is spiraling down into the dark, does not mean that I'm going to kill myself.  I get that you're worried about me.  I'm worried about me too.  I'm worried that I'm going to lose my car or possibly end up homeless.  I'm worried that I'm never going to be able to pay off my credit card bill, even though it's really not that much.  Please don't "talk" to me about this.  It's just going to embarrass and upset us all.

Back to me.

I started this year off feeling cautiously hopeful.  This is the year I'm going to finally land a full time job again.  I'm going to be able to pay off my credit card, pay back my mother, maybe even start paying down my student loans, you know?  I sent my resume out and out and out.  I even gave it to a couple of staffing agencies.  How many interviews did I have?  0.  Did I even get a phone call from a staffing agency?  Nope.  Nothing.  Nothing, nothing, nothing.  

It would have been okay–not great, but okay–if I'd been able to pick up extra hours at work when someone was sick or went on vacation or something, but the other branch in our system flooded and was closed for 6 months which doubled the staff at my branch.  No extra hours for me.  Add in a couple bouts of illness, and my more recent troubles, and well . . .  

I'm so stressed out.  So ready for this year to be over.  And, yeah, I'm blaming the year because of everything that's happened that I'm not talking about.  I just need to find a balance.  I need a job.  I need to even things out.  To start at zero rather than somewhere in the negatives.  If I can stand, I can build, but I keep getting knocked flat, you know?  And the ditch I make by falling keeps getting deeper.

It all comes down to money.  It's not everything, but it's such a huge part of it.  There are things I can do, that I am doing: work on my weight and fitness, eat better, sleep more, try to connect more with friends and family.  I'm studying again, watching less TV, reading more and for pleasure.  I'm trying so hard to rediscover myself.  But the money thing is damn near overwhelming.  I'm budgeted to the penny, and there is no safety net.  My savings is gone.  I don't even have it in my budget to go out to dinner or lunch, not unless I can get someone else to pay for it.  And that sucks.  I don't want my friends and family to always pay my way.  So I don't go out.  Not really.  

I have a list, growing longer by the day, of things I need or need to do when I finally get a full time job:

1. Pay off my credit card.
2. Get a new phone–my old one doesn't really hold a charge anymore.
3. Get a new bed–the one I have causes me actual, physical pain now.
4. Pay back my mother–I owe her about the same that I owe my credit card.
5. Rebuild my savings.
6. Find a new place to live.

I'm really hoping–hoping against hope–that I'll be able to do these things in the coming year.  I really, really am, because I don't know how much longer I can take this.  I've been 6 years now without a full time job.  This is not sustainable.  It was fine for a couple of years because I was finishing up college, then getting my masters.  Now, though, now it's not fine anymore.  Now it's an awful mess, and half the time I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

And I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to fix this other than getting a job.  And I obviously don't know how to do that.

I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Something's got to change.  Right?  I mean, I can't fail so constantly, so utterly forever, can I?  At some point something's got to go my way.

Ugh.  Just tell me when this year is over.  Maybe then I can find some hope.