Unlearning

To find balance and harmony in my life, I need to unlearn the lessons that almost destroyed me.

I recently realized that there is so much that I need to unlearn.  Many of the lessons I've been taught are so much bullshit.  As I've had time recently to really pay attention to my life, I've noticed how much I don't actually hate it.  A bit of an epiphany, right?  But for a while, when I thought of myself and my life I felt a genuine disgust -- contempt mixed with panic that nothing would change, that I would remain the way I was - contemptible - for the remainder of my life.  I got to thinking about how I learned I was contemptible, where that knowledge came from, and realized that it was the accumulation of a thousand thousand messages received in a thousand thousand ways.  A lot of it, though, came from working retail.  Especially working retail as an adult (read: above "average" college age).  Stepping away from retail has shown me the damage that it's done.  As I clean the bloody wound that is my life, I'm forced to unlearn the destructive habits that I've picked up.

Getting away from a bad job can be like breaking up with an abusive boyfriend.  It's hard.  It's not a perfect metaphor [simile], but it works pretty well.  The abuse builds up: one small indignity after another, coupled with a fear of retribution and a loss of power, and we're reliant on that job - most of us living paycheck to paycheck.  There are completely arbitrary rules usually, and sometimes mind

See what I did there?

games that no power in the 'verse can convince me aren't a deliberate attempt to break your spirit.  But you can't act broken, oh no, you are expected to be happy and available at all times.

One of the worst managers I ever had delighted in changing the schedule on an almost daily basis.  One time I was given two days off in a row, let's say Tuesday and Wednesday, then on Tuesday she changed the schedule and put me on on Wednesday.  I, of course, had no idea since I was off work at the time of the schedule change.  I came in on Thursday and was written up as a "no call, no show" and told that I need to check the schedule every single day regardless of whether I'm scheduled to work that day or not.  Another manager used to schedule employees to close one night and open the next morning.  So we were expected to work until midnight (at least), then come in the next day at seven or eight depending on the department we were working that day.  I don't know about you, but it takes me a couple of hours to wind down enough from work to sleep.  I worked a job, briefly, where everything I said to a customer had to come from a script.  If a customer asked me something that required me to go off script I had to call someone else to deal with it.  That was a hardware store, and, for a little background, I had six years previous experience in another hardware store in a different town.  I was written up three times in one day there: once, when a customer asked a question about the wood screws he was purchasing and I answered because I knew the answer, and twice for saying a variation of "Thank you for shopping at [hardware store], have a nice day," rather than that exact statement.  It gets really, really old saying the same thing over and over again.

It's not everyone.  It's not every job.  It's not even always at the same job, you know?  The two managers mentioned first above were both at the same store, and I consider that job one of the best I've had.  After, of course, the first manager left, and before the second transferred in.  Years went by when it was pretty great: there was camaraderie among the staff, I had some agency, the job required me to use my brain, it was interesting, and was something I was passionate about.  For the most part I could blow off crappy customers, or the occasional weird hours.  The good managers were great, the best were astounding.  They made sure I was given one weekend evening off, and that my work schedule worked around my school schedule.  There was humor and encouragement, and I was engaged because the work was interesting and they didn't try to force me to be engaged.

Even then, there were still issues.  I was afraid to call in sick.  I worked for months in excruciating pain any time I moved my left arm more than a few inches away from my body (I had a rotator cuff impingement bad enough to warp my collarbone).  Because I worked a lot of evenings, and those that I didn't I usually had school assignments to work on, I didn't have time for my friends so I stopped socializing.  I only really have two friends left; one, really, if you don't count the one that moved 3.5 hours away.  Also, it was retail, so I made very little money and was constantly broke.  And I didn't even mention the customers that treat you like trash because they can.  There was this one guy who used to come into the store I worked at every week or so, and I swear to all the gods there are that it was his goal to make at least one employee cry (usually whoever was working the registers) before he left.  He owns a shoe store near my house, and even though I haven't had to deal with him in literally years I still fantasize about dropping in his store and screaming at him for a good twenty minutes or so just like he used to do to me and my coworkers.

This post was not meant to be about work or lousy jobs.  I just wanted to make a point about destructive learned habits, the dangers of emotional labor, and what led to my massive case of burnout.  And, boy, was my burnout bad.  It was I'm-only-half-joking-about-suicide bad.  "I know I can't do it if my mom's still alive - it'd break her heart - but, maybe, once she's dead, if things are still the way they are" bad.  All this was cumulative, collected over sixteen years of working retail.  Little things add up more and more, and all of a sudden you're worthless, some barely human thing not deserving of anything better.  It doesn't matter that you did all this, smiled at every slight for years, just so you could go on to something better, more engaging.  If you can't engage with your minimum wage job that puts you in a box alone and tells you to smile and say "yes" to every demand given you by a stranger who thinks you less than the dirt on his shoe, then you don't deserve anything better.

It's that attitude I need to unlearn.  That I am unlearning now.  I'm worth more than that box.  I need to relearn how to take care of myself, because I haven't in years.  I need to relearn how to write, because I love it, and I used to be able to get a good rough draft of a short story out in a couple of hours and now it takes me days to write a paragraph.  I need to relearn how to do things for pleasure.  I need to unlearn how to "smile" and relearn how to have genuine emotions.  The poetry thing that I've been doing every Wednesday is a start, but there's so much more to do.  Now, working only one job, part time though it may be, and as broke as I am, is the first time I've felt all this might be possible in a long, long time.  I'm heading towards balance, and feeling good about it.