I adult now? Really?!?

Poster for WPA education program. Public Domain.

I don't know how to adult.  I don't.  I really wish they gave classes on it.  Mostly because I know how to student.  I student well.  I should, I spent the majority of my life studenting.  But I've had a hard time making the transition from student to adult.  I just can't seem to manage it.  And you'd think, at 35, I'd have some ideas of how to go about it, but I don't.

Well, I know I need a job, but I don't know how to go about getting one.  I know I need to move out of my parents' place, but without a job . . . That's not happening.  That first step, getting a job that pays a decent wage, one on which I can freaking live, that prevents everything else from falling into place.  It's so frustrating.

So I'm living–and have been for some time–provisionally.  Which is the worst way to live.  Because all I do is make plans, and never follow through.  Someday I will (ha!), maybe.  What is, by far, the worst part of this is that I have to live provisionally.  I have no other choice, my options right now are so limited.  So–grrr–frustrating.

What I want to do–when I can–is get my own place, join the woodworkers and wood-turners guilds and take classes so I can learn to build something solid.  I have plans drawn up for bookshelves, a settle, a bed, and a few other pieces.  I want to visit Ireland, Barbados, and Croatia.  I want to pay back my parents, pay off my credit card, and make at least a dent in my student loans.  Eventually, I'd like to buy a house–or build a house–on a few acres of land and have a garden.  All these things are contingent, though, on me being able to make a living.

I don't understand what went wrong in my life.  I'm smart.  I'm educated.  I'm generally outgoing–though I must admit that that aspect of my personality comes and goes with my overall stress level.  I'm hard working.  I learn quickly.  I'm punctual, organized, and I rarely get ill.  I don't know why I'm struggling so, so much.

Looking back, maybe I should have pursued office jobs earlier.  I definitely should have completed my BA years before I did.  But that shouldn't matter that much.  Most of that you could chalk up to me being a bit of a late bloomer.  Now, though, I feel like I've crossed the threshold between late bloomer and that creepy guy living in his elderly parents' basement.  Maybe not, but I'm pushing it.

—As an aside: Can you tell that I've begun applying for jobs once again?  I took a mental health break for the summer.  Now that old stress is upon me again and I'm being melodramatic.—

I don't know.  I'm trying to fill my time and not compare myself to my contemporaries.  (Though that last bit is difficult).  I've begun studying Irish, and constantly seem to be finding myself trying to make sounds I never learned how to make.  Irish probably won't help me out on my job search, but it's an interesting language–fun.  And I feel the need to keep my mind supple.  I have plans to pick back up with my Mandarin studies–which may help me in my job search–after Halloween.  If I can talk my mother into covering expenses, I want to redecorate the family room.  I have a design already in my head.  I read a lot.

It's tough though.  I want to take dance classes, or yoga, or woodworking.  I want to be able to go out with my friends.  I want to be able to do normal fun things that women my age do.  Hell, at this point, I even want to go shopping for clothes–something I absolutely loathe–because my wardrobe is fairly raggedy and I like looking nice.  I want to do things.  I really, really do.  But things cost money and every penny I make is already accounted for.

Gods! Please!  Someone hire me soon!!!