It's a panda kind of day

Pandas make me happy.  This one also illustrates my life.

Sometimes I hate my life.  I feel that this particular emotion is justified because I'm failing, and failing HARD, a adulting.  Most of the time I feel like a freaking teenager - with good reason too, because I'm living like a freaking teenager!  Seriously, the only reason I'm not in my high school bedroom is because I took my brother's high school bedroom (it's not in the basement) in my parent's house.  My current employment (two part time jobs) offer no insurance, no vacation time, and no wage that will allow me to support myself.

In short: my life kind of sucks right now.

Worse, I have no prospects.  I can't seem to even get an interview, let alone a job.  And I have this conundrum: Do I put my Masters degree on my resume?  I'm not applying for library jobs any longer - that path was going no where, but I'm proud of my degree.  Still, does it make potential (non-library) employers think that I won't stick around?  "Oh, she has a library degree.  She's not going to want to work anywhere but a library."  That sort of thing?  I don't know.  I don't know.  It's on there for now, but . . .  I don't know.  I think that the skills of librarianship (organization, collegiality, communication, etc.) translate well into other types of business, but maybe some disagree?

*Sigh*

I'm not really sure what to do here.  I don't know how to make myself more attractive to potential employers.  I don't know how to get a job that pays well.  Looking back, I now realize that I should have started working non-retail jobs much, much younger, but those crap jobs afforded me the hours and time I needed to go to college.  For several years, I scheduled my classes all day on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I gave up my weekend, because I had to work full time to afford classes.  Of course, if I had known that I would have to take out loans anyway to finish my degree, and then quickly get another, I would have done that in the first place.  I didn't know.  Hindsight and all that jazz.

Another sucky thing is that I'm not dating, and not really expecting to date anyone anytime soon.  I always assumed I'd be married by now, and maybe have a kid or two.  This, of course, is entirely my fault.  I haven't been looking, haven't really wanted to look, and I keep making excuses why I'm not doing either.  I first stopped dating because of heartbreak.  Then the loss of ALL my friends followed quickly by near-crippling depression.  Then digging myself out of that depression, which was not

Mama and baby!  Squee!!!

easy and took a massive amount of energy on my part (also which I'm not totally done with).  Then embarrassment because of my massive weight gain (about 130 lbs!).  Then finishing up school.  Now, I don't have the time or money to date.  Well, that and the weight thing (yep, I'm still up there).

It's not that I don't want to date.  Being alone, especially when all of my friends are married or in other more complicated relationships, can be massively lonely.  I miss having someone to talk to.  I miss having fun with someone, going out, doing things.  I miss sex an awful lot too.  It's just . . . I don't feel like I could impose myself on some one else right now.  I mean, I can't afford to do anything, and don't like the idea of making the man pay for all the dates.  I want to be able to at least offer sincerely to pay for some, you know.  I'm having all kinds of mental issues due to my inability to adult.  And, finally (and probably above everything else), I can't stand the thought of anyone seeing me naked.  I know, I know, fat acceptance and all that, but that's not me.  I can't stand being fat.  Again, my fault entirely.

Droopy panda.

Now, though, my discontent is beginning to affect my ability to fake my way through my job(s).  HR at one of them basically insisted that I contact the mental health services (that our organization provides for full and part time employees!) in order to keep my job.  I'm more embarrassed than anything else: I pride myself in being pleasant and welcoming to patrons, but it's getting more and more difficult to fake.  Also, I started crying while she was lecturing me, again, mostly from embarrassment.  She was all proper and sympathetic, but the whole thing made me feel like more of a failure, and I don't like to admit that I'm not perfect.  Gaah!  My life is just so frustrating!

Silver lining: I get 6 free sessions with a psychologist or psychiatrist.  AND I suspect my other jobs offers the same or at least similar services through the same place (I just have to find that information).  Yay!

Any way you look at it, my life is in need of a massive overhaul, and since I can't do anything successfully in steps, I'm going to have to address everything around the same time.  Not everything will be finished all at once, but I'll go ahead and start it all.  I'm planning on starting tomorrow.  I think this next week is going to be . . . well, just awful, but I know that it will get easier.  Everything gets easier given enough time.

I don't know what I'll do about the job thing.  Keep pushing, I guess.  I hope I find something, and that it pays well and is not tedious.  Writing is going fairly well.  I've written at least a couple of readable poems in the last few months, and my short story for October is coming along.  Maybe, if I don't find work soon, I'll chuck everything in and try to make a living as a writer.  That's what I really want to do anyway.  That's what I've always wanted to do.  I'd just like something as a safety net, you know.  That's where a full time job comes in . . . Of course, it seems likelier, now, that I'll have to work without a net at all.

Final panda.  Isn't he cute?

And Tom Hiddleston, because his smile makes me smile.  You're welcome.