Discipline

My life of late has been chaotic, messy, and really no fun.  There are a lot of things that I can't exactly fix about it: the job situation being one of them.  Oh, I can work towards a solution, but it still depends on other people giving me a chance.  That is some thing that is pretty much out of my control.  So I've been trying to figure out what is in my control, what I can change to make things better.  And I'm thinking that I can use a bit of discipline - not the fun/sexy kind - but the bone-deep fortitude of knowing oneself, the strength of being.

I'm not entirely certain how to learn discipline, but I know I need to try.  It's no secret that without the regulation of school, I've been drifting, falling apart.  I don't know what to do with my time.  For a while, the freedom I had with my free time was thrilling, but now it's stifling.  I've been filling it with work, and that's no fun.  Especially since my work is not fulfilling.  Part time gigs when you want a full time job rarely are.

I interviewed for a part time job in the library of one of the local community colleges.  Afterwards, well, I went to my gig at the library, but when I got home I wept over the interview.  I really don't want it.  It's not worth the hassle.  Not giving me enough hours or enough money to really justify giving up one of my current jobs.  The only thing is, is that it's a "professional" position, meaning it requires an MLS.  What the hell kind of part time job requires a fucking Master's degree?  Talk about devaluing my profession.  I'm hoping they don't offer it to me.  I don't want it.  I know I'd be miserable in it, because 90% of the reason I'm miserable at my other jobs is the fact that they are part time.  If I'm offered the job, I'll take it, maybe, but the slight raise in pay and hours means that: 1) I'll lose my current ACA benefits and have to pay more for insurance, negating the pay increase I get, and 2) I'll lose the only day off a week of work I have (also my planned vacation at the end of August, and the long weekend in September I'm taking to go to my best friend's baby shower).  Misery stacked on misery.  But, as I said, if offered I'll take it, even though, at best, it's a lateral move that offers me no extra benefits.

Of course, I've basically been unhireable since before I graduated, so the likelihood of being offered this job is practically negligible. /rant

Anyway, back to discipline: I've tried before - many times - to introduce some semblance of rules in my life, and it really hasn't worked out.  But I need some type of structure to be able to both better my situation and follow my dreams, and since I'm a list-maker I thought I'd start with lists of what I want and need to do:

Needs:

1. Clean bedroom
2. Sand & paint bedroom walls & trim
3. Lose weight
4. Trim & tone my body
5. Quit smoking
6. Meditate regularly (for stress relief & other benefits)
7. Exercise regularly: yoga, aerobics, strength, stamina
8. Find/create social life (I'm so gods-damned lonely, you wouldn't believe)
9. Buy a new car
10. To weed and organize personal library (books & DVDs)

Wants:

1. To write
2. To dance
3. To celebrate my gods and the changing of the seasons
4. To garden
5. To have sex again, relatively soon, and on a fairly regular basis
6. To have tea on a regular basis, like with a teapot and quality tea

My upcoming/ongoing projects will revolve around these wants and needs.  Tomorrow, I've decided, will be my last day smoking, as it's long past time I quit.  I'm going to try to work out a schedule so that I can meditate, exercise, write, work, socialize, and sleep.  A couple of rules to make things easier:

1. My computer will no longer be housed in my bedroom, but at an actual table somewhere else in the house.  At least, until I rearrange the furniture and find an "office" space in my bedroom to house it, and maybe not even then.
2. I will work on my computer (writing, researching, not playing solitaire or dicking around on the internet) at least 2 hours nearly* every day, but no more than 5 unless the writing is going well.

Let's get schedule-ish too:

1. Poetry Wednesdays are back on this blog.  Every Wednesday a new (and original) poem will be posted.
2. Fiction Fridays are being introduced.  The last Friday of every month, starting in August, a new short story will be posted.
3. Regular (non-poetry) posts at least once every two weeks.
4. My bedroom will be cleaned and decluttered by mid-August; the walls will be sanded, washed and ready for painting by the end of August.  (My parents are having new siding put on the house in early August and painting shouldn't happen before that is done).
5. A new car will be purchased some time before the end of the year because my current car is not going to make it much longer.

That's it.  I'm going to have to think about this more, and discover, for me, what discipline really means.

*"Nearly" because 2-3 days a week I work 10-12 hours and I don't know that I'll be able to keep myself from just passing out after getting home, especially if I throw exercise into the mix.