I'll add a picture when I'm back on a computer and not with winging it with a Kindle Fire and a prayer.
I wrote earlier about how I wasn't hired for the much better and more interesting position of Programming Librarian at my library. It sucks. It really does. But them's the breaks. It's fine. Not only have I gotten used to rejection over the years, but I was expecting it. I've said before that I'm not well liked at my library, and it's true. And it's not that they (my bosses and suchlike) don't like me for personality reasons or because I either don't do my work or do it poorly. No, I'm just overlooked most of the time.
That's fine too, the overlooking of Amber. I don't need anyone to hold my hand or pat my head and tell me what a good girl I am. I enjoy working without supervision. I like creating and completing my own projects, making my own rules. The lack of acknowledgments can be irksome, but I'm terrible at selling myself and I know that, so I've come to terms. That's one of the reasons why I've not been able to find a job. It bugs me but I'm not that willing to change. I hate to admit this, but I don't want it enough.
Don't get me wrong, I'd be excellent at it. Passionate, driven, energetic, creative. I like projects and that position would be nothing but projects. We're renovating a new building and the new site has a huge, park-like side yard. It also has a ton of meeting space and study rooms and the like. AND a great maker space, complete with a recording studio.
I have this dream of a series of interconnected, intergenerational, and interdepartmental programs spanning years. Programs that cement the library as a hub of the community, bring in money in the form of grants and fundraisers and maybe even advertisements, though we'd have to be careful with that last one because the library is not a place to sell things – the services should be kept free.
My dream included a monthly or semimonthly podcast examining the people and the history of the community; library publishes books of short stories, biographies, poetry, etc by our patrons (and done for our programs); a community garden and seed library; plays staged in our park in the summertime possibly in conjunction with the high schools and colleges around town; we could have a farm animal programs and get people to bring their horses and the smaller, more petting zoo appropriate animals; we could do a story corps type thing where people record interviews with their loved ones; we could have a wall of art by local artists for sale and for display. We could do a thousand thousand things that I have up in my brain, but we can't. At least, we can't do my things, because I didn't get the job and I'm not going to do anymore programming, not after this spring and I've finished with the programming I already said I'd do.
It's not petty, or not entirely. It's more a matter of labor and being paid for it. I'm part time, hourly and doing a ton of work off books for the library with the planning, preparations, and implementation of these programs. I don't work enough hours to have enough time to do this at work, at least not and still do what I was hired to do. Needs must, and I'm very against any unpaid labor. I am worth something, you know? I deserve to be paid for my labor. Even if I sometimes give it away for free because I'm excited about something or I'm trying something out, or I think it'll pay off in the long run.
Now, it's not worth it for me. Now, I'll just focus on doing my job really, really well and managing my money and some of my own projects that with a little skill and a lot of luck will afford me a living. The big thing is, these projects will be mine and no one else's.
I know I've been down on my luck lately, what with not being able to find a job, but I think that may be because I've been following other people's plans for me. I never wanted any of this. I'm chasing a dream that was never mine because other people convinced me that mine was impossible. Shit, I'm done listening to other people. The boring future of the really good, but completely unfulfilled librarian died as it was born. I'm going to try to live for me and my dreams for myself. Maybe then I'll actually be living rather than being stuck in this fucking limbo like I have for the past 15 years.
Farewell to the future that never will be from a girl who never was.
I wrote earlier about how I wasn't hired for the much better and more interesting position of Programming Librarian at my library. It sucks. It really does. But them's the breaks. It's fine. Not only have I gotten used to rejection over the years, but I was expecting it. I've said before that I'm not well liked at my library, and it's true. And it's not that they (my bosses and suchlike) don't like me for personality reasons or because I either don't do my work or do it poorly. No, I'm just overlooked most of the time.
That's fine too, the overlooking of Amber. I don't need anyone to hold my hand or pat my head and tell me what a good girl I am. I enjoy working without supervision. I like creating and completing my own projects, making my own rules. The lack of acknowledgments can be irksome, but I'm terrible at selling myself and I know that, so I've come to terms. That's one of the reasons why I've not been able to find a job. It bugs me but I'm not that willing to change. I hate to admit this, but I don't want it enough.
Don't get me wrong, I'd be excellent at it. Passionate, driven, energetic, creative. I like projects and that position would be nothing but projects. We're renovating a new building and the new site has a huge, park-like side yard. It also has a ton of meeting space and study rooms and the like. AND a great maker space, complete with a recording studio.
I have this dream of a series of interconnected, intergenerational, and interdepartmental programs spanning years. Programs that cement the library as a hub of the community, bring in money in the form of grants and fundraisers and maybe even advertisements, though we'd have to be careful with that last one because the library is not a place to sell things – the services should be kept free.
My dream included a monthly or semimonthly podcast examining the people and the history of the community; library publishes books of short stories, biographies, poetry, etc by our patrons (and done for our programs); a community garden and seed library; plays staged in our park in the summertime possibly in conjunction with the high schools and colleges around town; we could have a farm animal programs and get people to bring their horses and the smaller, more petting zoo appropriate animals; we could do a story corps type thing where people record interviews with their loved ones; we could have a wall of art by local artists for sale and for display. We could do a thousand thousand things that I have up in my brain, but we can't. At least, we can't do my things, because I didn't get the job and I'm not going to do anymore programming, not after this spring and I've finished with the programming I already said I'd do.
It's not petty, or not entirely. It's more a matter of labor and being paid for it. I'm part time, hourly and doing a ton of work off books for the library with the planning, preparations, and implementation of these programs. I don't work enough hours to have enough time to do this at work, at least not and still do what I was hired to do. Needs must, and I'm very against any unpaid labor. I am worth something, you know? I deserve to be paid for my labor. Even if I sometimes give it away for free because I'm excited about something or I'm trying something out, or I think it'll pay off in the long run.
Now, it's not worth it for me. Now, I'll just focus on doing my job really, really well and managing my money and some of my own projects that with a little skill and a lot of luck will afford me a living. The big thing is, these projects will be mine and no one else's.
I know I've been down on my luck lately, what with not being able to find a job, but I think that may be because I've been following other people's plans for me. I never wanted any of this. I'm chasing a dream that was never mine because other people convinced me that mine was impossible. Shit, I'm done listening to other people. The boring future of the really good, but completely unfulfilled librarian died as it was born. I'm going to try to live for me and my dreams for myself. Maybe then I'll actually be living rather than being stuck in this fucking limbo like I have for the past 15 years.
Farewell to the future that never will be from a girl who never was.
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