And finally it ends

It's auspicious, I think, that I'm writing this now on the autumnal equinox, Mabon, or whatever else you want to call it.  (Though this probably won't be published until tomorrow, I got a late start and I keep letting myself get distracted.)  Finally, finally The Summer of Death and Pain is over.  Not to say that Death and Pain won't still follow me, but it seems to mostly be coming to an end.  This summer is coming to an end.

Please let it be coming to an end.

This summer started with my cousin dying, a horrible and tragic death, and it's ended with my dad being sick - not the blood clots that almost cost him his leg from last month, but some crazy gallbladder thing that caused renal failure, and the collapse of the lower part of his lungs.  He's home now, my dad, with a tube to drain the excess bile from his gallbladder into what looks like a colostomy bag.  In a few weeks, once he's recovered enough, he'll head back to the hospital to have that gallbladder removed.  Right now, though, he's got to empty his bag regularly, and the house smells weird (in a bad way).  Between Sara's death and this new horror from my father, I've hurt my hip, caught a virus that knocked me on my ass, got stuck in the middle of crazy drama at the library (which may ultimately cost me my job there), have seriously neglected my blogs and felt guilty because of it, haven't made any headway on any of the writing stuff I wanted to get done, been rejected by several prospective jobs, and haven't been able to claw my way out of this damn depression.  Top that with my last remaining grandparent in the hospital for some old person malady, gaining five pounds, and not being in full control of my emotions (most notably anger).  

It's been a hell of a summer.  Or, more accurately: this summer has been hell.  I need a change of season.

It's made me reevaluate some things.  I don't have a clear plan on what I want to do, but it's coming.  I'm moving slowly, cautiously to the next road in my life.  I'm standing at the crossroads and I want to check my maps.  I want to move forward with a plan this time.  I don't want to have a vague idea and the "see where the world takes me" attitude that I've used to go nowhere for the past several years.    I want to know what I want and go after it with my whole self.  Fear of failure be damned.

While I rest here a bit and discover my route, I'm cleaning house.  If you're familiar with any of my other blogs, well, I've deleted them.  Except for this one and my professional blog (which I haven't updated in a month or so), and my tumblr accounts which are no work at all to maintain.  I'm still working on The Gothic Library too, but that's not so much a blog as it is a resource or collection of resources - it's slow going there too.  But that's it.  I'm whittling away my online presence.

From cyberspace to the real world - I need to clean house there too.  Literally and figuratively.  I'm going to take a bit of a break next week, recharge, run some ideas past an old friend down in the Ozarks, and then maybe come home to implement those ideas.

All I really know right now is that I need to get a handle on life.  It's a freaking mess and has been for a while now.

I've had some good things happen recently, though, and am hoping that more will happen, momentum will build, and I'll be able to put this awful, awful summer behind me.  What good things happened?  Well, I had a good interview with Burns and McDonnell for a corporate librarian job (Data Curation Librarian is the actual title).  I'm hopeful, but not exactly holding my breath.  Still, a good interview is something.  And I got a new cat.  We named him Jasper.  I'll talk more about both in my next post.