Per aspera

Towards tomorrow

The Kansas state motto is "ad astra per aspera," it roughly translates: "to the stars through difficulty."  The motto itself is a variation of the more common "per aspera ad astra" which, again, roughly translates to "through hardships to the stars."  Rather beautiful, no?  I've always felt that there is a lovely amount of hope in this motto.  Hope, and a certain amount of confidence.  It is the best of state mottos, I think.  Of course, I'm a born and bred Kansas girl, a natural-born Jayhawker (think of the historical meaning here, not just that I'm a KU alumna), so I may be a bit biased.

I learn Monday whether I still have a job and I'm not feeling optimistic about it, which is too bad because I need that job.  I really do.  Just for a bit longer.

In general, I think, I am an optimist.  Yeah, depression gets the better of me sometimes, but I've never quite lost the hope of something better.  That's what keeps me alive.  I've never been much one for suicidal ideation because I believe that things can change for the better.  I believe that I can find a job or otherwise make a living for myself.  I believe that there's a chance I can find love, though I've not dated for several years.  I believe, truly believe, that things aren't always shit.  Evidence to the contrary be damned.  Somewhere inside of me there is always at least a candle's worth of hope.

Is that because I've internalized the Kansas state motto?  Made it my own?

I don't know.  I don't really have any answers here.  I wonder if anyone does.

I'm not sure what my future holds.  I don't know where I will find another job.  I don't know when.  I hope soon.  My little world is falling apart right now and I am afraid.  But I also know that I'll be okay.  At least while my candle's still lit.  I'll make it through.

I just really, really hope things in my life will get a little easier soon.  

Places I'd like to see before I die

Croatia: Specifically Ogulin, Croatia in the shadow of the mountain Klek about which there is the most fascinating mythology . . . Plus a faery tale festival (and that is so me).  Also, I'm fairly certain that Ogulin is where my family is from, so it would be nice to visit.

Barbados: No particular town, just along the coast somewhere . . . And I don't really have a reason other than the main character from one of my favorite childhood books was from Barbados.  It just seems like a nice place.

London, England: Okay, I know I've already been there, but I'd like to visit without getting the plague and being forced to wander the streets like a zombie.  It seemed like a nice place, but I wasn't able to fully enjoy it because of my aforementioned case of the plague.

Ireland: Maybe County Cork or County Kerry or really anywhere.  I like the sea, so the coast would be nice, but whatever.  I'd be thrilled just to be in the county.  Though I may have simply read too many Nora Roberts books (many of which are set in Ireland, or have protagonists that are Irish/of Irish decent).  I just have to be sure to avoid it if I'm pregnant, because I have no wish to be murdered by their idiot medical system if something goes wrong.

New Zealand: Just 'cause.  Okay, okay, it's because of Xena, the Lord of the Rings films, and no snakes.

China: Because the history of the country is so cool and I'm learning the language (or one of them).

Iceland: Because it just seems . . . awesome.

That's all I can really think of right now.  I'm sure I could probably add more, like pretty much all of the Scandinavia or more tropical islands or wherever, but, truth, a simple two week vacation to any of the countries/cities listed above would sustain me for years.